Sunday, January 20, 2008

How to clean and organize your house in under 24 hours

Step one: Walk into kitchen to wash hands. Look up to see oldest son walking home from the bus stop. Observe said son stop at the mailbox, rifle through your mail, and suspiciously place something in back pack.

Step two: Greet child at the door and demand backpack. Watch as child looks as though he will wet himself and then confesses to placing letter from school in his back pack, afraid it was MORE BAD NEWS ABOUT GRADES.

Step three: Send child to room and fume while you open letter. Read generic letter about open meeting to all parents with children in Special Ed. Guffaw that son just got busted over what is tantamount to a flyer.

Step four: Inform son that instead of spending the weekend evenings with bio-dad and sibs at the cool hotel, he will instead return every evening to become my bitch.

Step five: Have child:
  • Clean and sweep laundry room.
  • Vacuum entire house. Twice.
  • Clean and scrub all three bathrooms.
  • Windex all glass surfaces.
  • Remove contents of refrigerator and scrub it clean.
  • Dispose of Jimmy Hoffa's remains, which were apparently hiding in said fridge.
  • Wipe down table, chairs, and floor. Feed Evan Cheerios, spaghetti, and anything else that will require large amounts of floor clean up for oldest son.
  • Sit him down with mountain of un-mated socks.
  • Sweep the entire downstairs and organize toy room.
  • Remove contents of food cupboard and wipe it down. Make him organize canned goods alphabetically, then change your mind.

Release son into custody of bio-dad. Inform him that if he ever tries anything so remarkably disrespectful or stupid he will be spending all summer cutting the grass with a pair of scissors.

Retire to sparkly clean tub and enjoy nice long hot bath.


ChriSpenceRachel said...

Can I borrow your son? I still have to do all that stuff yourself. Sometimes I think dh just wanted kids so that someone else would have to mow the lawn.

ChriSpenceRachel said...

yourself = myself. I'm a moron.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett. Not your finest moment, my friend.

Might inform him that tampering with the mail is actually a federal offense.

Next time have him do all of the above in an orange jumpsuit just to drive the point home.

~amanda~ said...

That's hilarious! I guess he won't be hiding anymore mail huh?

Mathew Copeland said...


I'll put my bid in for Michael bitch duty. Send Brett along too, I'll wait for him to make fun of Michael, then as a consequence, put him to work on his own for being the smartass I know and love.

-Uncle Mathew